i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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