If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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