I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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