I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
