I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
