oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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