This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
