my phone needs a breathalizer
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
