bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
