I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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