yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Did I show you my penis last night?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
