I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
