I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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