Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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