I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
