i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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