i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
