As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
