No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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