i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
