I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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