Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
