guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
