I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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