god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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