Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize