im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
