i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Who wears a wallet chain?!
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
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