Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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