so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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