the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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