can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
