Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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