I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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