Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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