You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize