she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I need to wash the frat house off of me
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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