I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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