The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
