Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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