life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
MIDGETS
????
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
