I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize