I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
