Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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