The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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