porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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