All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
