Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
