I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
