he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
