I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
