I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
