If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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