Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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