did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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