I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
