shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
