I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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