Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
how does that bad decision feel?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
