i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
His nipple licking is glorious
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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