I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
